Snowballin’: I Fucked Frosty, By Auralie Vierge


When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duties, sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14635455-snowballin
When a lover doesn’t fulfill you, my first instinct is definitely NOT to have sex in my front yard with a snowman that may or may not be animate.  But, without further ado, I give you “Frosty the Snowman”, the Snowballin’ Version.
Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul

 

With a corncob pipe and a button nose

 

and two eyes made out of coal
I’ll begin with Frosty was most definitely a jolly, happy soul.  But he didn’t have a button nose in this version…more like a giant ice cock and balls.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say

He was made of snow but the children

 know how he came to life one day
He came to life one day FOR SURE.  Enough to life that the protagonist of the story manages to have sex with him.  I’m just glad his stick arms and hands never got involved.  I was bracing myself for that one.
There must have been some magic in that

old silk hat they found
There was no silk hat, merely the aforementioned giant ice cock and balls and apparently the deeply unsatisfied mojo of a woman scorned.
For when they placed it on his head
Yeah, the OTHER head.
he began to dance around
I wouldn’t call it dancing, exactly.  There was hip thrusting involved, though.
O

Frosty the snowman
Yeah, that’s what she said.
was alive as he could be
He was alive, all right.
And the children say he could laugh

and play just the same as you and me
Don’t worry, I’m fairly certain no children were a witness to the events in this book.
Thumpetty thump thump

thumpety thump thump

Look at Frosty go

Thumpetty thump thump

thumpety thump thump
Speaks for itself, really.
Over the hills of snow
If you want to call them “hills”, well then, sure.
Frosty the snowman knew

the sun was hot that day
It wasn’t the sun that was hot.
So he said”Let’s run and we’ll have some fun

now before I melt away”
Oh, they had fun before he melted away.  At least, the deranged woman having sex with a snow sculpture with a giant ice dong in her front yard did.
Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all around the square saying
Catch me if you can
I don’t think anyone played hard to get in this story.
He led them down the streets of town

 

right to the traffic cop
I wish there’d been a human cop involved, either to take the heroine in for a 24 hour psych hold or to give her the human action she obviously so desperately needs.
And he only paused a moment when

he heard him holler “Stop!”
That was me screaming “STOP” as I read this story.
For Frosty the snow man

had to hurry on his way
Frosty was no minute man, he gave her what she needed.  Fo’ sho!
But he waved goodbye saying

“Don’t you cry

I’ll be back again some day”
Oh yeah, he’ll be back.  Snowballin’ two, anyone?
 Thumpetty thump thump

thumpety thump thump

Look at Frosty go

Thumpetty thump thump

thumpety thump thump

Over the hills of snow
Don’t worry, I’ll never look at this song the same way again either.
For creativity and creepiness factor alone, this is a 4 star book.  In 13 pages it managed to single-handedly ruin the whole of the winter season for me.